Menopeace Balancing Topical Patches come with the warning that its claim to “help balance and comfort menopausal symptoms … have not been evaluated by the FDA”. Pah! Surely I’ve ingested far worse things in my time, I thought, and put myself to bed with an eight-hour patch.

It would seem that patches infused with black cohosh (isn’t that a banned weapon?), gotu kola (isn’t that one of those Coke alternatives you find on holiday?), damiana, valerian, skull cap (I’m sure I saw them open for Iron Maiden back in the day…) and oatseed do indeed help with a good night’s sleep.

The patches don’t entirely eliminate the 3am wakey-wakeys. But I wasn’t waking up and obsessing about the time my oboe reed broke right before a performance assessment in 1991. Or wondering if I should just call that person to ask why they unfriended me on Facebook. Instead, it was more of a quick glance at the time, a “Geez, I don’t need to be up for hours!” and a swift return to the land of nod.